MY STORY

I never thought I'd be a victim of spousal abuse.  I was a strong, liberated woman.  I would never put up with that sort of thing.

Well, that's what I thought.  Until it happened to me.  That's the thing - you just never know until it happens to you.

When it happens for the first time, you are shocked.  Can this really be happening to me?  Then he apologizes, and he's ever so sorry - they are very convincing.  And you don't really want to believe that it happened, so you say to yourself ... oh it wasn't that big a deal (because it always starts with something small), and you minimize what happened so that you can move on and you don't have to deal with it.

And then it happens again, and again.  But by then, they have you so embroiled, that you can't think straight.


These men are usually very controlling.  You find yourself spending less time with your family and friends.  Often times, they convince you to move away from your family.  And then you become isolated, and you start to feel alone and you feel like you have no one to turn to.

I couldn't go out and do things on my own. In fact, we had to go grocery shopping together most every time! When I wanted to go out with family or friends, it was a personal insult to him. He had no friends - he made me his life - and he expected me to do the same.

Eventually, I lost all sense of self. I had no idea who I was any more. And this gives them the power to continue to mistreat and abuse you.

They are very critical ... they put you down so that you start to feel less confident.  They often try to tell you what you can and cannot do, wear or say.  In my case, he constantly complained that I dressed too "old" trying to get me to wear younger more inappropriate clothing.  It got to the point where he was telling me which bras to wear - push up of course.  And if I didn't we'd end up arguing, it was that important to him. It was insane.

I wasn't allowed to swear.  It didn't bother him, at least he didn't let on that it bothered him, when we were dating.  Yet once he felt like I was committed to the relationship, all of a sudden it wasn't allowed.  There were unreasonable triggers.  In my case, it was "pissed off".  Whenever I used that phrase he would get angry and say "why do you have to talk that way?" ... even though he had the foulest mouth of anyone I knew.  I said "what's the difference? everyone uses that phrase".  He said "his wife was going to be a lady, and he forbade it".  Yet, in bed he expected me to be anything but a lady, and would often call me names like bitch during sex.  And I suppose this was also a way to demean and assert his power over me.

And selfish.  He was thoroughly selfish.  The first night that I was in the hospital and I had just given birth to OUR son, he refused to help me feed the baby or do anything during the middle of the night so that I could get some rest - because HE needed to get his sleep.  This was a pattern that didn't end there.  Many nights when the baby couldn't sleep or was sick, I wanted to bring him to bed with me to calm him down, but that wasn't allowed because HE didnt want to be disturbed or inconvenienced because he needed to get his sleep, so I had to spend those nights in the baby's room ... on a chair, or whatever.  HE didn't care, as long as he got his sleep.

His respect for me deteriorated rapidly, and that allowed him to mistreat me on a more regular basis and on a more deeper level.  And yes, the violence escalated.

And yet I stayed.  I can't explain why I stayed.  Because it all has to do with a frame of mind that you get into, and you don't even know that it's happening at the time.  You just get used to a level of sadness and despair that you put up with stuff because it becomes par for the course.  It's a lot like quicksand.  You sink so slowly that you don't even notice that you're sinking and then when you do notice, you're immobilized.

If this all sounds familiar to you - then you're in a very unhealthy - and dangerous - relationship and you need help.  There are a lot of places you can go to for help. You just need to take that first step.

If you are a friend or family member - you need to get involved.  In many cases, you will be unaware of what's happening.  Although subtle, there are signs that you can watch out for ... isolation is one of the major ones, and/or acting out of character or being submissive is another.

If there's children involved you can call Children's Aid.  If it's just yourself, you can call the police, or talk to your doctor to get more help.  I've included a page on how and where you can go for help - it's information I found from the Attorney General website on Family Violence.

There's no acceptable excuse for a man to lay a hand on a woman or child.  No one deserves to be treated this way.  No one.

Collectively, we need to help stop violence against women and children.  That is why I am posting this blog.  We cannot hide, we cannot sweep it under the rug, we need to speak out against it.